A Mother's Guilt

Date: January 13, 2005
Time: 2:06pm
Where: My bedroom
Who: Mommy
Why: Mommy's stupidness
What:The unforgiveable...Mommy made Kaelin go bang!

The day would come... the unthinkable became the inevitable. I bumped Kaelin's head on the shelf. I knew that it would be the first of many. Oops I lied ... when she a less than a month old...I accidently clipped the skin of her finger while cutting her nails with the nail clipper. It was awful ...there was blood and everything. I sucked on her finger like a vampire to nurse her and her first boo-boo.
It was a normal routine for us, I brought Kaelin over to the bed for her feeding and as I raised her up to check whether she did the #1 or #2, all I heard was a "thud". As I immediately brought her down, she looked up at me in silence, her lip quivered than a loud cry came out from her mouth. In shock and disbelief, I quickly consoled her and apologized profusely while shoving the bottle of milk into her mouth. That seemed to pacify her but not me. All I could think of was...brain damage, skull fracture, head deformity, concussion, memory loss, emotional scarring and that it was all my fault.
With closer inspection, there was no "goose egg" to be found...thank god! I know, I know...she will survive but my guilt was far worse than the act itself. How could a mother cause her child any physical or emotional grief and harm? I think that I was more appalled that my own daughter got hurt in my care and supervision and that I was the unknowing perpetrator and culprit. The truth finally dawned on me that my baby will physically and emotionally get hurt while not under my watch. Like other bumps, scrapes and bruises, I will kiss them to make her feel better. But when life gets harder, the reality will set in that my kisses won't help anymore. Alas, I will never be rid of the mother's guilt.

That's Solid, Baby!

Rice cereal, squash, carrots, sweet potatoes, peas and green beans... yummy, there's nothing like pureed food to quench the appetite. Afterthought: if you wouldn't eat it ...why the heck are we forced to feed it to our kids? Yeah I know, forming tastebuds, allergies and mastering the fine art of swallowing blah, blah, blah...but couldn't it taste a bit better. Alas, another thing to add to the weekly grocery list.

I finally found the time, the energy and the motivation to make home-made baby food. I bought some carrots, sweet potatoes, butternut squash and a bag of frozen vegetables (as frozen is better than the canned variety, more nutrients as I am told). As I blew the dust off my "Magic Bullet" and my steamer, I washed, steamed, peeled, cut and pulverized (with intermittent breaks to attend to my picky yet #1 customer) the goodies (with the exception of the frozen veggies) into a creamy soup-like texture. I summoned the courage to give my concoction a little taste test. Mmmmm...not bad. It tasted like butternut squash soup from a gourmet restaurant...what was missing was a dollop of creme fraiche. As I poured my divine creation into ice cube trays to freeze, I patted myself on a job well-done. I looked at the clock...12:00pm (wow only took me half day to complete the task) ... it was time to test the food on the only food critic that really mattered. She liked, she liked, she really, really liked it! Did I mention that the chef has not eaten lunch yet?

If you have a whole day to invest, I recommend making your own baby food as it will last you a couple months in the freezer. You, your wallet and your baby will be reaping in the rewards. At least you know what's going in baby's mouth and coming out baby's diapers. Next on the agenda, fruit. Oh did I also forget to mention that there is a sale on baby food @ Zellers, 10 for $4.00, minimum 20 jars per customer. Honey, let's go shopping!

What's in a Tag?

From Baby Einstein, Leap Frog and Tiny Love, these educational toy products geared towards your little ones are valuable learning tools but do not add any more value in your bank account. Don't get me wrong, I love their unique products but it breaks my heart when I become a hostage in my own living room and my home is turned into a toy store and all Kaelin is interested in playing with are the tags of these products. Having kids is already expensive enough but it is like a slap-in-the-face when they play with these simple yet inexpensive (essentially free and at no extra cost) household items in delight and to your dismay. From tags, string, remote controls, paper and plastic bags, why are children drawn to things that were not meant to be played for their amusement and enjoyment? When these items come within her radar, her eyes widen, her mouth salivates and she crawls with lightning speed. The toy market and retailers have taken wind of this knowledge and now sells a product catered to this idea ... velcro-laced tags stickable to fabric. Paying for tags, you ask? Since it's something that you have to shell out money for, I'll bet any money that no baby will be playing with these! Now that's money to be made!

The Little Things

In the monotony of life, it's the little things that make me happy...

Optimism: With the baby monitor by my side, I wake up everyday to the comforting sounds of my daughter. For her, each day is a brand new day.

Communication: A daily visit by our friendly-neighborhood postal worker. Whether it's junk mail, bills, packages or letters...besides the internet/email, he's my link and connection to the outside world.

Literature: Reading my weekly dose of flyers. I get emotionally unstable when the flyers are MIA. I confess that I am a sale junkie and coupon-clipper!
World Wide Web: blogging, googling, emailing, chatting and online shopping...oh my!!! When the Internet is down so am I.

Friendships: Need a break from motherhood, here's my source of comfort and laughter.

Family: A toast to the new year filled with more housewarmings, wedding celebrations and baby news!

Fish Out of Water

On my way home from the One of a Kind Christmas Craft Show, I felt like a fish out of water. After bumping into hundreds of moms with their Baby Bjorns and Peg Perego strollers, not only did I feel guilty about abandoning my daughter with my mom, I am now officially kicked out of the club. Downtown Toronto used to be my old stomping ground... from clubbing, shopping, eating and working ... you could always find me pounding the city's streets. The constant rat race and fast-paced environment was my life.

On the crowded subway ride home during rush hour (of course!), I felt a sudden twinge of paranoia and anxiety. The daily commuters on the train looked foreign and alien to me... spending 24 hours a day with a baby without an adult in sight sort of does that to you. Five and a half months of being into a year long sabbatical (maternity leave) has slowly converted me into the stereotypical suburban mom... the woman who wears no makeup, hair pulled back into a ponytail, wears her fiance's T-shirts and who thinks a trip to the grocery store is an exciting night out. The outside world once distinguishable to me was just a shadow of my past and former existence. Kaelin now rules my universe and she is my excitement.

Six and a half months before I go back to the workforce...how could I possibly go back? Daycare? I am dreading the sheer thought of it. Once the year is up, I wonder if my fiance will let me become a stay-at-home mom, leaving him to be the sole breadwinner... yeah right!

Things that make you go hmmm...

Random thoughts, idle ramblings and other cerebral conundrums.

• Placing dirty diapers and feminine hygiene products in the "Green Bin" aka Toronto's organic waste and compost collection. I know we want to reduce, reuse and recycle to save the environment but isn't the thought of it gross to anyone else?
• The cost of services in hair salons and dry cleaners being more expensive for women than it is for men. To top it off, men still make more money on the dollar than women.
• Coffee retailers (they shall remain nameless) who charge more money for a larger size of tea. Isn't it the same bag of tea with just more add water added?
• Buffet restaurants...what do they really do with the leftover food at the end of the night?
• When you are in a public restroom doing your business and someone accidently tries to barge in on you and they say "sorry" and you say "that's ok". Is it really ok?
• Do you have to be a non-smoker in order to work at the Canadian Lung Association? If yes, isn't that considered discrimination?

Will be updated on an ongoing basis...