A Mother's Guilt

Date: January 13, 2005
Time: 2:06pm
Where: My bedroom
Who: Mommy
Why: Mommy's stupidness
What:The unforgiveable...Mommy made Kaelin go bang!

The day would come... the unthinkable became the inevitable. I bumped Kaelin's head on the shelf. I knew that it would be the first of many. Oops I lied ... when she a less than a month old...I accidently clipped the skin of her finger while cutting her nails with the nail clipper. It was awful ...there was blood and everything. I sucked on her finger like a vampire to nurse her and her first boo-boo.
It was a normal routine for us, I brought Kaelin over to the bed for her feeding and as I raised her up to check whether she did the #1 or #2, all I heard was a "thud". As I immediately brought her down, she looked up at me in silence, her lip quivered than a loud cry came out from her mouth. In shock and disbelief, I quickly consoled her and apologized profusely while shoving the bottle of milk into her mouth. That seemed to pacify her but not me. All I could think of was...brain damage, skull fracture, head deformity, concussion, memory loss, emotional scarring and that it was all my fault.
With closer inspection, there was no "goose egg" to be found...thank god! I know, I know...she will survive but my guilt was far worse than the act itself. How could a mother cause her child any physical or emotional grief and harm? I think that I was more appalled that my own daughter got hurt in my care and supervision and that I was the unknowing perpetrator and culprit. The truth finally dawned on me that my baby will physically and emotionally get hurt while not under my watch. Like other bumps, scrapes and bruises, I will kiss them to make her feel better. But when life gets harder, the reality will set in that my kisses won't help anymore. Alas, I will never be rid of the mother's guilt.

That's Solid, Baby!

Rice cereal, squash, carrots, sweet potatoes, peas and green beans... yummy, there's nothing like pureed food to quench the appetite. Afterthought: if you wouldn't eat it ...why the heck are we forced to feed it to our kids? Yeah I know, forming tastebuds, allergies and mastering the fine art of swallowing blah, blah, blah...but couldn't it taste a bit better. Alas, another thing to add to the weekly grocery list.

I finally found the time, the energy and the motivation to make home-made baby food. I bought some carrots, sweet potatoes, butternut squash and a bag of frozen vegetables (as frozen is better than the canned variety, more nutrients as I am told). As I blew the dust off my "Magic Bullet" and my steamer, I washed, steamed, peeled, cut and pulverized (with intermittent breaks to attend to my picky yet #1 customer) the goodies (with the exception of the frozen veggies) into a creamy soup-like texture. I summoned the courage to give my concoction a little taste test. Mmmmm...not bad. It tasted like butternut squash soup from a gourmet restaurant...what was missing was a dollop of creme fraiche. As I poured my divine creation into ice cube trays to freeze, I patted myself on a job well-done. I looked at the clock...12:00pm (wow only took me half day to complete the task) ... it was time to test the food on the only food critic that really mattered. She liked, she liked, she really, really liked it! Did I mention that the chef has not eaten lunch yet?

If you have a whole day to invest, I recommend making your own baby food as it will last you a couple months in the freezer. You, your wallet and your baby will be reaping in the rewards. At least you know what's going in baby's mouth and coming out baby's diapers. Next on the agenda, fruit. Oh did I also forget to mention that there is a sale on baby food @ Zellers, 10 for $4.00, minimum 20 jars per customer. Honey, let's go shopping!

What's in a Tag?

From Baby Einstein, Leap Frog and Tiny Love, these educational toy products geared towards your little ones are valuable learning tools but do not add any more value in your bank account. Don't get me wrong, I love their unique products but it breaks my heart when I become a hostage in my own living room and my home is turned into a toy store and all Kaelin is interested in playing with are the tags of these products. Having kids is already expensive enough but it is like a slap-in-the-face when they play with these simple yet inexpensive (essentially free and at no extra cost) household items in delight and to your dismay. From tags, string, remote controls, paper and plastic bags, why are children drawn to things that were not meant to be played for their amusement and enjoyment? When these items come within her radar, her eyes widen, her mouth salivates and she crawls with lightning speed. The toy market and retailers have taken wind of this knowledge and now sells a product catered to this idea ... velcro-laced tags stickable to fabric. Paying for tags, you ask? Since it's something that you have to shell out money for, I'll bet any money that no baby will be playing with these! Now that's money to be made!

The Little Things

In the monotony of life, it's the little things that make me happy...

Optimism: With the baby monitor by my side, I wake up everyday to the comforting sounds of my daughter. For her, each day is a brand new day.

Communication: A daily visit by our friendly-neighborhood postal worker. Whether it's junk mail, bills, packages or letters...besides the internet/email, he's my link and connection to the outside world.

Literature: Reading my weekly dose of flyers. I get emotionally unstable when the flyers are MIA. I confess that I am a sale junkie and coupon-clipper!
World Wide Web: blogging, googling, emailing, chatting and online shopping...oh my!!! When the Internet is down so am I.

Friendships: Need a break from motherhood, here's my source of comfort and laughter.

Family: A toast to the new year filled with more housewarmings, wedding celebrations and baby news!

Fish Out of Water

On my way home from the One of a Kind Christmas Craft Show, I felt like a fish out of water. After bumping into hundreds of moms with their Baby Bjorns and Peg Perego strollers, not only did I feel guilty about abandoning my daughter with my mom, I am now officially kicked out of the club. Downtown Toronto used to be my old stomping ground... from clubbing, shopping, eating and working ... you could always find me pounding the city's streets. The constant rat race and fast-paced environment was my life.

On the crowded subway ride home during rush hour (of course!), I felt a sudden twinge of paranoia and anxiety. The daily commuters on the train looked foreign and alien to me... spending 24 hours a day with a baby without an adult in sight sort of does that to you. Five and a half months of being into a year long sabbatical (maternity leave) has slowly converted me into the stereotypical suburban mom... the woman who wears no makeup, hair pulled back into a ponytail, wears her fiance's T-shirts and who thinks a trip to the grocery store is an exciting night out. The outside world once distinguishable to me was just a shadow of my past and former existence. Kaelin now rules my universe and she is my excitement.

Six and a half months before I go back to the workforce...how could I possibly go back? Daycare? I am dreading the sheer thought of it. Once the year is up, I wonder if my fiance will let me become a stay-at-home mom, leaving him to be the sole breadwinner... yeah right!

Things that make you go hmmm...

Random thoughts, idle ramblings and other cerebral conundrums.

• Placing dirty diapers and feminine hygiene products in the "Green Bin" aka Toronto's organic waste and compost collection. I know we want to reduce, reuse and recycle to save the environment but isn't the thought of it gross to anyone else?
• The cost of services in hair salons and dry cleaners being more expensive for women than it is for men. To top it off, men still make more money on the dollar than women.
• Coffee retailers (they shall remain nameless) who charge more money for a larger size of tea. Isn't it the same bag of tea with just more add water added?
• Buffet restaurants...what do they really do with the leftover food at the end of the night?
• When you are in a public restroom doing your business and someone accidently tries to barge in on you and they say "sorry" and you say "that's ok". Is it really ok?
• Do you have to be a non-smoker in order to work at the Canadian Lung Association? If yes, isn't that considered discrimination?

Will be updated on an ongoing basis...

Attention Shoppers:Code Red

In the fall, warehouse sale shopping runs rampant. Mr. B's, William Ashley, Procter and Gamble, Umbra etc....all these and more have conjured up good and bad memories. I'm a veteran of the warehouse sale...I have the scars and wounds to prove it. My pocketbook carries the symptoms of "combat fatigue" and "shell shock". The psychological and financial damage of sales are immense but the adrenaline rush is even more astronomic. Armies of bargain hunters storm the frontlines for the latest finds...mothers are no novices when it comes to discovering a great sale. My system of intelligence and data retrieval has consisted of mailing lists, word of mouth and websites such as Red Flag Deals and Best Buys. Along with my partners in crime and fellow comrades, me and my friends scope out the competition. For every sale, our mission and target is to seek out the "best deals". Gaining entry is always a challenge...rain, snow or shine, long lineups in weather where Mother Nature takes no prisoners is a feat in itself. Our plan of defense and method of combat is to infiltrate and outline the key areas of the building and proceed to attack and defeat the enemy... beating out the other shoppers to the limited supply of the doorcrasher specials. It is guerilla warfare at its finest. Fully equipped with a complete arsenal: a shopping buddy, a good pair of running shoes, a shopping cart and a credit card are the preferred weapons and artillery of choice. Female shoppers and a good sale equals collateral damage. Amongst the skirmishes and hostile aggression, enemy surveillance and monitoring the activities of other shoppers is vital to the success of the operation..."Where did you find that?" Resorting to espionage you say? "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer" and "All is fair in love and war" are fundamental truths to ensure survival. To alert the general public and the civilians of these warehouse sales is for the common good but it is not for the weak-hearted. Shopping is a constant battle and ongoing struggle. Ever hear of Christmas shopping...now that is another minefield.

Superwoman Syndrome

If someone can answer the age old question, "Are women able/allowed to have it all? Please let me know.

Procrastination is my word to describe the past few months. Throughout my pregnancy, I daydreamed what motherhood would entail. Long walks with Kaelin, crafting scrapbooks, baking cookies, joining a mommy's group and documenting every part of her journey through infancy were just some of the activities that I assumed that I would be participating in during my maternity leave. Boy, was I ever naive. In the first few weeks of Kaelin's birth, reality set in. I was a tired mom and the picture perfect Martha Stewart glamourized life that I promised myself was only a farfetched fairytale. "I'll do it tomorrow" was my mantra.
Latching difficulties, nightfeedings, physical, emotional and lifestyle changes were on the daily agenda. Brushing my teeth, eating breakfast and changing out of my pajamas had to be incorporated into my routine and regimen. If one of the items on the list was accomplished, I concluded that the day was a productive one. My days consisted of feeding, burping, changing, consoling, playing and napping with my daughter. Anything else that did not involve the baby like cleaning house and cooking meals would be placed on the backburner...even my relationship with my fiance suffered a bit. As things got easier, I found more energy to do more things and to get out more. For the first month, I felt like a prisoner in my own house. Depression, resentment, loneliness and disappointment filled my daily life. Postpartum depression? No not really... more like reality just sinking in.
Allowing yourself to be lazy once in while and giving yourself permission to be imperfect is the best advice that I can give to all new moms. I've only been at this mommy thing for only a few months now and I bet that I will have more grievances once I start working again. Balancing work with motherhood will be my next future challenge. Writing has been my therapy and an outlet for my rants. Don't get me wrong, I do not have any regrets about being a mother...Kaelin is my pride and joy. I just want to express that we should not feel guilty about not being able to fulfill the superwoman mold because after all we mommies are just humans in disguise.

My Favourite Things

Just a few of my favourite things...you can't find them on Oprah's list but they are all mine and they don't cost a thing! In no particular order...

#1 on my list

10. Her little noises: "Goose" sounds to be exact
9. "Moro" (startled) reflex: She's a little scaredy-cat!
8. Eating her fists: What a insatiable appetite!
7. Sticks out her tongue: Oops...her mommy taught her that!
6. Excitable flail of the arms & legs: Dance moves...what a display of showmanship
5. Body parts: eyelashes, chin, cheeks, legs and feet... genetic and hereditary of course!
4. Sudden outburst of spontaneous reactions: burps, yawns, sneezes, hiccups & farts...it's a symphony to a mother's ears.
3. Her assortment of funny facial expressions when she sleeps: multiple personality disorder?
2. Bathtime: ahh...baby fresh!
1. Her smile: Priceless

Trick O Treat

October 31, 2005:

flower power

This will be Kaelin's first Halloween. Courtesy of her Ninong Jeff and Tita Annie, she will be dressed up as a flower . A flower that will bloom over time and sown with love...how appropriate. We mananged to avoid eating all of the chocolate before it was time to hand it out to the kids. Although we only expected a handful of kids coming to our door...you can never have enough candy especially for us chocolate mongers.

At 6:30pm it was time to dress Kaelin into her first costume. Quite a feat if you ask me...had to lay her down, turn her over, put her on her stomach...Kaelin looked unimpressed. The outfit needed parental instructions! Of course, come picture time, she could not even muster a smile. We propped her up against the couch for pictures and due to the weight of the costume and her lack of upper body control, she almost toppled over. A cute first Halloween picture was not meant to be! For a chance to parade her in her darling costume and in a last ditch effort to get our greedy hands on some extra treats, Jeff and Annie took her "trick or treating" to a few houses. But after a slew of comments like "Isn't she adorable" to "Isn't she too young to eat candy yet?", they came back home. After an hour, she started to look perplexed and agitated in her costume ...the costume was afterall a furnace in disguise. Good for outdoors but not for indoor use. Poor Kaelin...what parents do to torture their kids! But we will do it all over again for next year...

Time is Precious

friendship is timeless

October 29, 2005:

As we attended the last wedding of the year, Mr. & Mrs. Ashley were finally introduced as husband and wife. The beautiful bride walked down the aisle to the Tamia and Eric Benet song "Spend my Life"...nice touch! We have now become wedding pros...now if only we could only plan our own wedding. Time is ticking away.

After the ceremony, we treated ourselves to Red Lobster. Ian ordered the Ultimate Feast Seafood Platter and I had the all-you-can-eat shrimp deal. Shrimp pasta, shrimp scampi, popcorn shrimp, fried shrimp and coconut shrimp...let's say I will not be consuming shrimp or any other type of shellfish for a very long time. Since the reception was scheduled for 7pm, we had ample time to go home to rest and play with Kaelin. Sufficed to say, we lost track of time and almost did not make it to the reception.

To my relief, steak and chicken were on the menu. If it had been seafood, the outcome would not have been good. It was alone time for mommy and daddy and I intended to revel in our exclusive night out. But it did not change the fact that I missed her already and that I suffered from mother's guilt syndrome. I guess you can't have it both ways. As expected, I did not take advantage of the open-bar. It was daylight savings time and I was more excited about the extra hour of sleep than being tipsy. I was struck by a twinge of nostalgia as music reminiscent from my youthful teenage and early twentysomething years blasted through the speakers. I loved listening and dancing to the old house, r & b, reggae songs. Old school they call it...am I that old? Do I sense some bitterness? No...maybe just bittersweet memories. Just before midnight, I realized that it was time for me to move on and time for us to go home and kiss Kaelin goodnight.

Three Weddings & a Baby

October 22, 2005:

Mr. & Mrs. Aznar
One couple down and a few more to go. Couples are dropping like flies around our camp and officially ending their single life by taking the oath of marriage. Love is in the air and this year has been no exception. In her short life, Kaelin has already attended three weddings. Two weddings were regrettfully declined because of the timing of her birth.

High school sweethearts Carol and Carlos got hitched this past Saturday. The bride looked beautiful and the groom looked quite nervous...hehehe! At the church ceremony, Kaelin was quite fussy but soon settled down as Tita Elaine made funny faces at her while Tita Rosie disapprovingly Mr. & Mrs. Aznar looked on. Her funny moment of the day was when she began to sing/hum "Ave Maria" along with the singer. I think I'm going to have a performer on my hands! The rain and cold weather ruined their opportunity to snap outdoor photos but they made the best of it by taking pictures inside the church and reception hall. Hopefully the weather improves this weekend as Tracy and Dwayne will be tying the knot. I guess we won't be selecting October and November as our options. That reminds me, we have to set a date soon!

Kaelin was a handful at the reception. Attempting to peacefully enjoy my meal was an adventure in itself... no wonder people usually leave their babies at home! For the most part, I did enjoy bringing Kaelin to the wedding but I found it a challenge to socialize with others. From dancing with Kaelin in the Baby Bjorn to perfecting the fine art of simultaneously eating my dinner while entertaining/consoling her, I think we will be leaving her with Lola and Lolo for this weekend's upcoming nuptials.